40 Extraordinarily Shitty Things Happening Right Now.

So I was just chilling on Facebook, and I come across this link that was posted on someones wall, 40 Extraordinary Things Happening Right Now. It was posted in order to make someone not feel so bad, because I guess they were not having that hot of a day. I decided to come up with some tongue-in-cheek humor for this list. My humorous lines are notated as a "-" before the number and are red because they are not really as positive and uplifting as the original ones are intended. LET'S DO THIS.


Right now is a phenomenon.  Right now extraordinary things are happening.
Right now…

1. A soldier of sorts is diligently fighting the fight so you don’t have to.
-1. Death Tolls this stat is an approximate number of deaths just from the Iraq War.
2. Someone who suffered from a severe injury last year is back on their feet.
-2. Aprox. " One person is killed every half-hour due to drunk driving." So just because that kid can walk again doesn't mean you should go out drinking to celebrate.
3. A small group of people are building something that will soon make the impossible possible.
-3. Unless they are building a perpetual motion machine, or a lightsaber that shoots cheeseburgers, I am not interested.
4. Somewhere on Earth a double rainbow is stretched from one end of the horizon to the other.
-4. The only time I have heard about a double rainbow happening is when the two atomic bombs blew up over Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
5. One of the next Billboard-chart-topping musical artists is patiently rehearsing in her garage.
-5. The next Billboard-chart-topping musical artist is being pushed to sing by her parents and have no concern for her education.
6. A piece of literature is being written that will eventually change your perspective on life.
-6. Unfortunately the Bible is still being produced today.
7. Young children all over the world are singing and dancing before they even realize there is anything that isn’t music.
-7. Young children all over the world are singing and dancing because they are so poor and destitute that they need this distraction.
8. A friend is helping a friend rise above thoughts of suicide.
-8. You help this kid, but he takes his life anyway, true story.
9. Someone is thinking what you’re thinking, but hasn’t said anything yet either.
-9. Everything has thought what you have before, so this is logically invalid.
10. Two people in your hometown are falling in love.
-10. Two people in your hometown got knocked up...
11. Somewhere someone is admiring a breathtaking sunrise, and somewhere else a surreal sunset.
-11. And we all eat puppy dog marshmallows and ride on the backs of unicorns over rainbows.
12. People of various religious backgrounds are in temples, churches, mosques and other places of worship praying, wholeheartedly, for world peace.
-12. People of various religious backgrounds are in temples, churches, mosques and other places of worship praying, wholeheartedly, for the complete destruction of some races, religions, and ethnic groups.
13. Someone who has struggled with their weight for the last several years is standing on a scale and smiling.
-13. Yeah, that scale is smiling too because he is finally done holding up your fat ass.
14. Hundreds of cute elderly couples are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
-14. Notice it says hundreds of elderly couples, nothing more, divorce rate hovers around 50%.
15. A baby girl just took her first few steps without falling.
-15. You should of seen how happy her 16 year old mom was.
16. Two best friends are laughing so hard they aren’t even making any noise.
-16. Two best friends just consumed four bottles of whip its
17. A future world leader is in grade school at recess.
-17. Hitler loved recess.
18. Someone is in the process of sincerely forgiving a seemingly unforgivable act.
-18. I'm pretty sure rape is unforgivable.
19. There’s a kid studying hard somewhere who aspires to get to where you are in life.
-19. Well this kid is studying very hard, I live in a box.
20. A firefighter is running into a burning building to rescue a perfect stranger.
-20. That perfect stranger dropped his blunt, causing the horrific blaze.
21. Someone in your vicinity genuinely wants to be your friend.
-21. Someone in your vicinity genuinely despises you.
22. A young mom is lying in a hospital bed and holding her newborn baby twins for the very first time.
-22. This girl is also surrounded by teen mom 3 cameras.
23. Someone is taking a shower and singing happily at the top of their lungs.
-23. This person needs to shut the fuck up.
24. There is someone out there who smiles when they think of a specific moment they once shared with you.
-24. There is someone out there who weeps when they think of a specific moment they once shared with you.
25. An alcoholic just celebrated one full year of sobriety.
-25. An alcoholic just celebrated one full year of sobriety... with a drink.
26. Volunteers in major cities all over the world are working at homeless shelters caring for those who are less fortunate than themselves.
-26. Eh you got me there, I can't think of anything good.
27. A young man is pulled over on the side of the road helping a young woman change a flat tire.
-27. A young man is pulled over on the side of the road helping a young woman change a flat tire... then stuffing her in his trunk
28. A high school athlete just broke her own personal record.
-28. A high school athlete just broke her own personal record... and her leg
29. Two teenagers just received their very first kiss ever from each other.
-29. Two teenagers just received their very first child ever from each other.
30. A husband and wife who were drowning in debt five years ago proudly hold a balance of zero on their credit cards.
-30. Yet, they still owe their mortgage, their car payments, insurance, utilities, shit for the kids...
31. Someone is hugging a friend who desperately needs it.
-31. Someone is hugging a friend who desperately needs it... and cupping dat ass ;)
32. A new small business owner just wrapped up his first profitable year working for himself.
-32. and put the mom and pop store across the street out of business.
33. A grandfather is holding his granddaughter’s hand and they’re both smiling from ear to ear.
-33. He is thinking to himself, "Oh man being old really has its perks."
34. Someone just placed their spare change in the charity collection cup at the grocery store.
-34. Some little kid with lukemia just got spare change instead of a Make-A-Wish.
35. A small group of friends are sitting around a table sharing funny stories and cheerfully reminiscing about the good old days.
-35. A small group of old friends are sitting around a table sharing stories about the depression.
36. A breast cancer patient just found out her cancer is in complete remission.
-36. A breast cancer patient just found out her cancer is in remission because she has no breasts.
37. Someone out there is missing you and looking forward to your next visit.
-37. This someone is Chris Hansen.
38. Honest people are working for various government entities to help protect your basic human rights and civil liberties.
-38 1/2. Crooked people are working for various government entities to help inhibit your basic human rights and civil liberties orrrrrrr...
-38 2/2. Crooked people are working for various crooked government entities to help fuck over everyone's basic human rights and civil liberties.
39. An emergency room surgeon is in the middle of saving his patient’s life.
-39. This patient is Pauly D who got in to a freak "blow out" incident.
40. Someone is holding the door open for the person behind them.
-40. But not for the person behind that one.

Right now is a new beginning.  Right now is an opportunity.
Do something extraordinary.